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Sunday, August 31, 2014

I'm Baaaack!

I'd need a TARDIS so I can go back and actually see what I look like when I feel like this.

So, for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been feeling a bit normal. Not your normal, my normal. I had been on lithium (for the 3rd time) for almost 2 months, but my levels got too high (as usual) so I had to stop taking it. And as my lithium levels lowered, I could feel myself drift back into my normal. Ups, downs, in-betweens. The last 2 weeks or so, I've been alternating between hypomanic and mixed states.

For those who don't know: a mixed state is being both up and down simultaneously, and hypomania is basically a fancy term for controlled mania. Hypo consists of high energy, attention overload, and delusions of grandeur. Ok, there's way more to it than that, but those are the key points I face.

So, if you can imagine, the last few weeks have not been a pony ride. Last night (as is usual with my hypo) I had a break down. This isn't your basic, "I'm sad and need to cry" thing. Oh no. This is an all encompassing pain that renders me crippled for several hours. It hurts so badly that I can hardly walk, talking is impossible (unless basic vowel sounds count as language), and breathing becomes a major issue. Oh, and let's not forget the best part: the red, puffy, bloodshot eyes that scream "frat party."

Fun fact: I actually take a selfie every time to remind myself that, even though I look like I got a bee sting to the face, I survived this storm.

So, I'm big into hiding my emotions and standing on my own two feet, but like I said a few weeks ago, we all need support. The amazing, inspirational woman I email is, well, amazing, but she's not right here. So, I may not have the empathetic support of a friend, but I've got something I think is better: a sympathetic mom. She will drop whatever and just come wrap her arms around me and let me cry (and sometimes scream) until I feel like talking. She may not understand how I feel, but she understands that sometimes I can't do it on my own.

My mom ROCKS!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Come again?

There are definitely things that people do and say that can (and definitely have in the past) set me off and I'm sure it's not just me. Granted, a lot of these things are said with the utmost concern and sincerity, and I try to keep that in mind, but some people are just trying to "fix" me and that is not alright.

"You're sick." -- Wow... what a revelation.

"Turn that frown upside down!" -- I'll turn your head upside down if you say that again.

"Have you tried therapy?" -- No. I've never thought of that. Thanks for the idea.

"What about a support group?" -- Umm... did you miss the part where I don't show emotion?

"What medications are you taking?" -- Ok... 1- none of your bleeding business, and 2- you wouldn't know what they are anyway and the resulting explanation would confuse you and infuriate me.

"I've never seen you be, you know, bipolar." -- What does that even mean?

"I know how you feel." -- Don't... even.

"Maybe you should try (insert remedy)." -- Yes. And maybe you should try (insert expletive).

Like I said, a lot of things are said in sincerity, and those people who say them mean the world to me! And honestly, I have a couple of friends who don't say anything about it and that's an incredible relief from the constant questions and depressing conversations about how screwed up I am. I greatly appreciate both sides!

I've been feeling very down the last few days and am starting to come back up. Let's hope I come up fast. I start a new job on Monday!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Scars

"I'm fine."

I've used this sentence so much that it no longer means anything to me. I've talked before about how I don't show any emotion, but lately I've been thinking about why and I think I may know now.

When I was a kid, from the first day of kindergarten all the way until high school graduation, I was bullied something awful by a group. The ringleader was a girl who lived just a few houses down from me. I didn't get one single day of freedom. This girl would get anyone she could under her thumb to torture me. She would follow me home, saying things that, to this day, stick in my head. Things about how I wasn't good enough. How I was ugly, stupid, and fat. She manipulated my best friend into believing that she was the good guy and I was the bad.

I remember one day very, very clearly. It was recess time, and my small, but loyal, group of friends had gone off to get something while I sat on the grass. This girl and her band of followers came over to me, stood around me, and wouldn't let me get up while they taunted, hit, and kicked me.

That is the last time I cried outside my house. The look of pure satisfaction on her face when she saw my pain was enough to make me hard. Still, when I feel like crying, I tell myself, "tough as nails; cold as stone."

That day left me with a rather unfortunate scar. Along with Bipolar Disorder, I have severe anxiety. Working jobs that are mostly dealing with the public, like retail, are incredibly difficult, if not impossible for me. Worse yet, crowds. If I can't get out of a crowd, I have a panic attack.

This was difficult to talk about and I don't really know how to end it...

Friday, August 8, 2014

It's in the stars

So, I was playing around online, and came across this article by Huffington Post about stars with bipolar disorder. I knew about a few, like Catherine Zeta-Jones and Demi Lovato, but I'd never heard the things any of them said about having it or going public with it so this was particularly interesting.

Lark Voorhies (Saved By The Bell) ~ She herself has never said it, but her mother has.

Demi Lovato~ "I feel like it's no coincidence that God put me through all of this and has also given me the voice that I have. I feel like my purpose on earth is much greater than just being a singer, a musician or actress. I think it's to reach out to people and to raise awareness of these issues that not many people speak about."

Catherine Zeta-Jones~ "There is no need to suffer silently."

Michael Angelakos (Passion Pit)~ (After having to cancel many shows on the band's tour) "... people don't understand this. People don't understand that it's not just debilitating; it's all-encompassing."

Carrie Fisher~ "At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring lots of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of."

There were others, but these few really stood out to me. Ms. Voorhies is apparently in denial, like I used to be. Ms. Lovato feels she has a greater purpose in this, as I'm beginning to. Ms. Zeta-Jones is saying what I've tried to. Mr. Angelakos just says it all. Ms. Fisher gives me hope.

My hope is that someone searching for answers will see this and find a few. That's why I started this blog. If you know someone who could use a few sarcastic words about dealing with things not asked for, please share this. I don't care about how many views this gets. I don't make any money off it. I just want to help at least one person.

Keep on functioning!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Weather tis nobler...

"Rain, rain go away. Come again another day."

I wanna talk about the weather, and no, I'm not just trying to make small talk.

Weather affects us all, and all in different ways. Some may get excited for snow while others dread it. Same with rain, summer heat, or the chill of autumn. This is perfectly normal. I, on the other hand, can tell you exactly what my mood will be when watching the next day's forecast.

Rain: I love rain. Always have. Always will. When it rains, I'm at peace; relaxed. If I'm feeling manic, it brings me down, if I'm feeling depressed... well it still brings me down, but a good down. It kind of takes the despair and turns it into a longing. Funny thing tho: I don't know what I'm longing for. A mystery that must be investigated!

Snow: No two ways about it... I. Hate. Winter. I'm okay if I'm inside with a book, fire in the fire place, and a blanket, but don't even think about making me go out in that cold unless you want sarcastic comments, the "snapping turtle" treatment, or a fit pitched.

Summer heat: Nope. Once the temperature (in Fahrenheit) gets above the speed limit on the freeway, I'm done. And I'm talking city speed limit, not middle-of-nowhere speed limit. 65 Fahrenheit and I'm done. More than that and I'll be unbearably cranky all day.

Autumn: Oh sweet perfection, how I do love thee. For the (maybe) two months of autumn we get here, I'm in heaven. There is nothing I love more than driving around in the Fall with my window down, arm out, and One Direction blasting from the stereo. Unless you change out 1D for Nick Santino...

Anyhow, my point is, weather affects how I feel more than most. It's been raining here for the last few days, and I'm just sitting here... trying to figure out what I want. It's like the clouds are scrambling my brain. AH-HA! That's it! The clouds were created by the government as an experiment on how to get people to... Yeah. Even my sarcastic and twisted mind can't finish that...

If the weather affects you in any way, please comment and let me know I'm not just a weirdo :)