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Monday, July 27, 2015

I'm Sinking

I've had it. I'm ranting.

Rant #1

I honestly and truly believe that Medicaid is useless. Getting any level of decent care is just not an option. I'm stuck with apathetic doctors just looking to get me out the door as quickly as possible so they don't feel cheated out of a ridiculous paycheck. They don't care how I'm doing, how I feel, or how my medications are working. They'll prescribe whatever drug they're getting kickbacks from to supplement what Medicaid doesn't pay, even though I tell them that I cannot take this one or that. All this after having to wait three months for each appointment.

Rant #2

Since my genetically similar female relative moved in two weeks ago, my life has gone to Hell. Her total and complete lack of respect for me and my things is out of control. I found out today that she has been using my shampoo. Why did I just find out today? Because she didn't bother to tell me, let alone ask if she could in the first place. When she invades my space, she'll (badly off tune) sing "it's the end of the world as we know it" and laugh like it's nothing. I cater to her, I made space for her, and this is how she treats me? Well, I'm done being the good sister. I'm going to hit the hardball she pitches out the park!

Rant #3

Monday through Friday, I am awakened by my sister and father. They don't seem to realize that talking at normal-to-loud levels right outside my freaking door is not alright. Then, common courtesy has always been lost on the narcissistic... When I wake up enough to speak, a rather annoyed "SHUT UP" comes out and suddenly I'm the problem.

Rants over.

All this, plus a few other things (I'll spare you the details) has been building up inside because, let's face it, I don't speak up. I try to say my piece and when it's shut down, I back down faster than anything you could imagine. Anyway, I blew up tonight. There was screaming, crying, cursing, and much more ranting than I've done here.

I hate blowing up even though it releases the crap that's all built up. The screaming leaves my throat sore, the crying makes my eyes red, puffy, and burning for about twelve hours, and getting angry is never fun in general. I really need to learn to speak up instead of backing down. Maybe this wouldn't happen so often.

"Something's Gotta Give"~ All Time Low

2 comments:

  1. Ranting is healthy and so it identifying destructive behaviour patterns. I recognise so many things you're talking about - but it's the feeling you give yourself by not saying anything at the time that kills you (the boiling, disproportionate anger) it's worse that what anyone or anything else can do. I hope you find things easier soon, remember that you have a voice and although everything in your head might plead with you to keep quiet sometimes you need to use it.

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    1. I've been trying for hours to find the words to express how I feel about what you said, but I can't. "Thank you" doesn't seem quite good enough, but I'm afraid it's the only thing I can find, so, thank you.

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