After my last post, I was telling my cousin that I thought it would be weird to write what I would have written in a suicide note, even though I find that it helps sort things out. His response? "Yep! I know it helps sort things out! Been there, done that! To "normal" people that might sound weird, but "normal" people scare me!"
I've never actually written it, but I think about it quite a bit. When I feel like I've hit the end of my rope and nothing matters anymore, I start thinking about what I'd say in my suicide note. When I do that, I start to notice things that, at the moment, my mind won't let me see. Usually, it's the people in my life. When I start to picture who would come to my funeral, I see people that I don't necessarily talk to on a daily, or even weekly basis, but who still care about me.
Sometimes, when I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life, things that I have done come to mind. Things that may not seem like anything to anyone else, but, in the moment that they happened, made me feel good.
It's really amazing the things that you can think of when you're at the bottom, if you just let yourself. Every time I get to that point, where I think about writing that note, it helps. It gives me hope. I know it sounds weird, but it's true.
No, it won't cure me, nor will it make the pain go away. What it does is make me see the bigger picture; not just myself.
This song will almost always come to mind before I start thinking of all those people...
"Why"~ Rascal Flatts
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