Forgotten

What goes up, must come down.

You've heard people say that, when someone dies, the pain doesn't go away, you just learn to live with it? I finally understand. A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I was dreaming about my grandma. Since then, I've been falling pretty fast.

With the holidays, I see my Facebook friends having good times with friends and family. Normal people see these things as nice, I see them as a slap in the face. Like they're saying, "Haha! You have nothing!" or "See how much fun we have without you!" I have quite a few Facebook friends who live in the Salt Lake Valley, but I never get invited to do things. I just wish they knew exactly how much it hurts that I don't have these fun pictures to post.

On the other hand, I've been able to see two of my really good friends this week! One lives just an hour south of me, and the other is in town from Oklahoma. I got to visit each of them at their respective homes.

I know I have some great friends, and I'm not discounting them, I just wish I had friends around here who would care enough to invite me to do things. I know I'm weird. I'm socially awkward, I don't really talk, I can be crabby, and I generally hate crowds, but I'm human. I have feelings. I'm always thinking of others' feelings so much so that my own get forgotten sometimes.

"What If"~ Plain White T's (Sorry if I've used it recently...)

Epiphanies

Great.

The one part of therapy I absolutely hate is finding out that I'm doing something wrong when I thought I was doing good. Today, I learned that the reason I have such good control over my emotions in public is because of my anxiety. Nice, huh?

Now, I'm not saying that it's the only reason. I know how to behave in public and what behaviors belong in private. My being in a bad mood is no excuse for taking it out on the poor cashier at the store.

I forgot where I was going with this...

In other news... A huge hello and thank you to Brunei who, in less than a month, has climbed the views ladder and has landed in a solid second place! I've got to be honest though, I'd never heard of the country until it showed up on my list.

I truly appreciate every single person who reads my rants here! My goal is to hopefully help someone know that they're not alone in their illness.

Flaws

Quick correction to my last post: I met my newest friend when I was 22.

And now to our feature presentation.

A little while back, someone insinuated that I was judgmental. I'm not saying that I can't be, in fact I try very hard not to be, but the way this person worded it made it sound like they didn't think they were. Reality check: Every single person alive is judgmental sometimes. Even the kindest people you know, who you'd swear aren't judgmental, are sometimes. They may not voice it, but I guarantee they think things. To think that you aren't is just blatant narcissism. Heck, even calling me judgmental was, in fact, being judgmental.

Ever since this insinuation, those words have been eating away at me. Every time I think about it, I get angry. I thought about lashing out like I usually do, but I held my tongue.

See, the reason it makes me angry is that I cannot handle people pointing out my flaws. I know I have many, but pointing them out is unnecessary. I don't point out yours, so don't point out mine. This, as so many other things do, goes back to my days as a bully's doormat. She would point out every... single... flaw. She'd even make some up just to make me feel bad. My sister does the same, but I won't go there tonight.

When I start thinking about things like this that have been said to me, I start on a fast track to depression. One tiny memory and suddenly I'm flooded with things others have said or things I've done. I've got a fantastic memory (my mom calls me "elephant brain" because they remember everything), so you can imagine how many bad things can run through my head.

I can be harsh, I lash out (sometimes for no reason). I've had friends cut ties with me because of this, but I've also gotten stronger bonds with some because they try to understand me instead of seeing the surface. Little secret: my moods are far more inconvenient to me than they are to you. I cry over every harsh word I say, but I'll never tell you.

"What If"~ Plain White T's

Go. No, Stay!

It's just what I do.

I took one of those random quizzes you find on Facebook about finding your deepest fear. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm a little too superstitious when it comes to voicing (or typing) my greatest fear, but I took the stupid quiz anyway. I wasn't expecting the weirdly telling result I got.

"Fear of intimacy."

It went on to say how it meant I was a free spirit and how the thought of being tied down was terrifying. At first, I thought it was a load of crap, but as I thought about it, it became clear just how right it was. Not just romantically. I see it in the friendships I make.

"How?" you may ask? Allow me to 'splain.

At the moment, the newest friend I have, I mean like can-talk-about-anything kind of friend, I met when I was sixteen. Since leaving high school, my "friendships" usually last two, maybe three months. After that, I pull away, do something crazy (don't ask), or become the wicked witch of the west. Even my online friendships. I had been communicating with a few of my long lost cousins through Facebook, but again, a couple of months later... I backed off.

I don't know why I do this, and I'd love to stop. I'm always complaining about how alone I am or how I don't have any friends around, but the truth is, it's my own stupid fault. I'm the one pushing people away.

"Please Don't Leave Me"~ P!nk

I've Had My Moments

Just out of curiosity...

I get at least one headache per day. They're not always debilitating, but they're still there. So what I'm wondering is if my headaches could possibly be attributed to my mental illnesses. It's kind of a stretch, but I'd really like to know.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

We got dumped on by a snow storm Sunday night/Monday morning. I had to get to my therapy appointment in my car that hates snow. It's a front wheel drive. Well, I missed the turn onto the street I needed and decided to just flip a U-turn on the next street. Bad idea. My front wheel drive got the front wheels stuck in the gutter. I couldn't get out, and trying just made my tires burn. Side note: burning tires stink! I called my dad to come get me out, and less than a minute later, a miracle happened. A guy in a pick-up pulled up next to me and asked if I needed a push. I hit reverse while he pushed, and I was able to get out!

I tell you this because I've lost a lot of faith in people. Anymore, people would rather look blankly at their phone than even acknowledge your existence. Most people, from what I've experienced, are self-centered. I'm not saying everyone is like this, or even that I'm not like this, but just in general. This guy helped me out completely selflessly. He didn't want a reward. All he was concerned about was that I got out of my predicament.

The point I was trying to make before I got distracted is that you never know what your kindness can do for someone. I've been feeling pretty low lately, and this guy's kindness made me think differently.

Another kindness was about a week ago. I hit a super low point and took to twitter to say that I wanted to die. Two complete strangers talked me down. It's amazing how someone you don't even know can make your life so much better.

Be that stranger.

"Moments"~ Emerson Drive

Lesson Learned

I've learned a few lessons that I really need to unlearn. 

1~ Suffer silently.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was having a particularly bad day. I didn't understand it at that point, but I knew I did t want to go to my last class. I told my teacher how I felt and asked if I could sit out in the pod instead. While I was out there, I had my TI-84 calculator. If you've ever used one, you know that you can type on it. Anyhow, my teacher left the classroom, passing me on her way out. She said, "If you're just going to play games, you need to get into class." I wasn't playing games. I was typing, trying to get my emotions into words. After that, I left and went to the music pod. My teacher gave me detention. I got punished for having anxiety.

2~ Lie to spare feelings.

When I was 21, I was dating the most amazing guy. He was sweet, funny, and honestly the only guy I've dated that I can't say anything bad about. Well, we got together right after I broke off an engagement. He wanted more of a commitment than I was ready to give (i.e. marriage). I told him that I wanted to take it slow so as to make sure I wasn't just using him as a rebound. He pulled back from me faster than a spooked horse. So now I have problems saying how I really feel to anyone. If something annoys me, I let it boil and it generally comes out in a post. Yes, feelings have been hurt, but most people can move past it and continue as we did before.

3~ No touchy!

When I was a kid, I was the touchy kind. I liked hugs and just generally being touched (don't go there). Well, my (n)ever loving sister made it quite clear that, since she didn't like me touching her, nobody did. As time went on, I stopped hugging people. As more time went on, I learned to not like people touching me. I'm now ridiculously picky about the people I let hug me. Even at that, it makes me uncomfortable.

4~ I'm weird.
Every time I try to be 100% myself in public, I get looks, and sometimes comments on how it's unacceptable. The last time I tried being myself was at a dance eight years ago. "Thriller" was playing, and since I knew the choreography, I started dancing. The people I was with just looked at me like I was crazy and acted like they had no idea what to do. It was only when I folded back in on myself that they stopped looking at me like that.

"Lessons Learned"~ Carrie Underwood

 

Please Help Me

What's a trigger?

I've heard people talk about things that trigger them. My therapist has asked what my triggers are. To be honest, I have no idea.

I can read someone's depressive post and feel nothing but empathy. I simply don't understand why it triggers others. I want to understand so that I can do what some others do and put "trigger warnings" on my posts. Please help me understand. Please join the Facebook group and post your thoughts.

I was talking with one of my therapists (yes, I have two), and she pointed out that I have an emotional trigger: my sister. It's not a mood trigger, but talking or thinking about her can make me angry. But my moods seem to kind of decide for themselves. My cycles have either decided to even out or I've gotten better control or awareness. Random thought, deal with it.

Even with all the books, therapy, and personal experience, there are quite a few things about Bipolar Disorder (and mental illness in general) that I'm still in the dark about. Triggers are just one thing I can't seem to understand.

Random song day...

"I Just Wanna Run"~ The Downtown Fiction