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Saturday, February 27, 2016

Manic Cries

Ka-boom!

I'm sitting here, tears welling up in my eyes, while thinking about how much I hate my life. I'm up, I'm down, I'm pleasant, I'm cranky. The list goes on and on. Not to mention all the things I haven't achieved. A college education, a lasting relationship, and a steady job, to name a few. So why am I all self-deprecating at the moment? Because, looking back on my week, I noticed one major thing I've been missing: I'm manic.

Now, usually people think that these kinds of thoughts only come with depression. And who knows? I may be the only one in the world who gets these thoughts while manic. Though highly doubtful, it does tend to make me feel slightly self-conscious. Even I associate suicidal thoughts with depression, so to have them when I'm manic just seems weird to me.

The big thing that set me off tonight: I've been to the doctor three times and have done weeks and weeks of physical therapy and my knee just seems to get worse and worse. I'm entirely frustrated with both my mind and body for, A~ my knee being defective, and B~ letting my defective knee get to me psychologically. I've dealt with knee problems since I was eleven years old. I should be used to it by now.

I don't know.

I'm also frustrated because, for the first time ever, I'm on medications that I don't physically react to, but that don't seem to be working, either. I still get manic (obviously!) and wicked depressed. Why am I even taking these things? I guess it's time to stop lying to my med manager and tell her that these particular meds aren't working. What's really annoying is that I truly believed we'd found something that worked. I mean, I got really excited when I felt nothing for a couple of weeks! Now I think I was just manic all along and wanted so badly to feel "normal" that I convinced myself that that's what was happening.

I'm going to co cry out my frustrations now.

"Cry, Cry, Cry"~ Johnny Cash

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Just Can't Hide It

I've been doing a happy dance for near an hour!

Long story in 3... 2... 1...

I got a paper from the Department of Workforces saying that they'd gotten information on a change in my income. Confused, since I haven't worked since November, I called. I was then transferred to my case worker who neither answers her phone nor calls me back. Annoyed, I dragged my dad to the DWS office.

When we were finally able to get to talk to someone, he told me how to get a real person on the phone. After waiting four whole minutes listening to the same stupid thing repeat a billion times, I got said real person. I told her my problem with the paper and my case worker. She then, get this, transferred me back to the idiot case worker!

Now incredibly annoyed, I went back in line to talk to someone and was able to tell another person my long story. She gave me a paper to be filled out by my last employer stating that I'm no longer employed.

Here's where it gets good...

I took that paper to the human resources department at the school district. They looked me up and said that their system says I'm still employed. The principal never sent in a termination letter. I was told to call and have them do so.

When I called, I was able to talk to the principal, who, by the way, is awesome. I said, "Apparently you haven't sent in my termination letter. Of course, if you still need me then you wouldn't have to send it." She was all too happy to give me my job back and I start back tomorrow!!!

I'm so stinking excited!!!

I have a purpose again! A reason to get out of bed every day! A sense of self-worth!

"I'm So Excited"~ The Pointer Sisters

Monday, February 22, 2016

Triggered

Blogging seems like the best answer when all I can do is calculate how many pills I'd have to take to end it.

I have no idea what I'm even going to say, but right now, all I want is the pain, anxiety, and just everything to go away. I'm tired of being so afraid of people that I can't make new friends. I hate the fact that I'm in pain every minute of every day. I lie to my therapists and med manager and say that everything's great. Why? Because it's what they want to hear. I lie to everyone lately. "I'm fine," "doin' good," and "awesome" have no meaning to me anymore.

I saw one of my therapists today. I like her, but she's always pressuring me to answer the ever elusive "why?" I'll say that something is bothering me, she asks "why?" I answer "why" after "why" and when I can't answer anymore, it's like she doesn't believe me. I'm so sorry that I don't have the answer to everything. I'm not here because I do. I'm here to get the freaking answer!

Forty. I'd only need to take forty pills.

The truly sad part is that, when I think of committing suicide, I suddenly feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm just too afraid of what would happen if I fail. I'd be put inpatient again, for one. I hate those places. They do more damage than good. They tell you it's your fault that you're there instead of addressing the fact that you have an illness. They treat you like criminals. The one and only good inpatient place here isn't on my insurance.

Help me. Please.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

It's Happening!!!

Well hello there!

Every now and then I like to do a bit of a blog update. You may have even seen a couple. I know they're not as exciting as my total and complete emotional breakdowns, but I just like to update y'all on what's happening.

As of right now, I'm at basically 17,500 all-time views! This is absolutely incredible to me! I cannot say "thank you" enough! I've said before how this blog would have ended a long time ago if it weren't for devoted readers. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Something big happened this week, as well! As you know, I have advertisements at the bottom of the first post on every page here. They're not just there for decoration, though. The companies pay Google to advertise on their various sites, including Blogger. When you lovelies click on them and look around a bit on that site, Google gives me a part of the proceeds. Yes, it's only a cent or two per click, but anything helps! This week was by far the biggest week for me. 35 cents! Hey, it's exciting to me... Clicking the adverts is a quick and easy way for you to help me out. Just click whatever awesome thing comes up, and click once away from the home page. Who knows? You may learn about something really cool while donating a penny!

I'd also like to welcome China, Romania, and Panama! This is the first time y'all have shown up on my views list and I'm excited that you have found me!

That's all for today! Here's one of my all-time favorite songs:
"Fast Car"~ Tracy Chapman

Friday, February 12, 2016

Driving Me Nuts

This has been on my mind lately...

Every day innocent people die on the roads because someone else made a conscious decision to drive drunk, look at a mobile device (phones, GPS, etc.), intentionally run a red light, and a myriad of other distractions. To me, these are the most selfish people out there. They're saying "I don't care about you. I'm going to do what I feel like."

I'm a huge advocate for charging each and every one of these idiots with first degree homicide. When you get behind the wheel drunk, look at your phone, or run red lights, you know that there is a good chance that someone will get hurt or die. Your actions are premeditated.

When I was eleven, I lost a classmate and one of the nicest kids you would have ever met because his only ride home chose to drive drunk. When I was eighteen, I witnessed a horrific wreck right by my house where two or three people died because someone decided to double the speed limit and ignore a merge. Last week, I read about a girl in my city who was looking at her phone and wound up killing two people.

Every single day I see people choosing themselves over the safety of those around. I frankly don't care what their reasoning is. "I'm late for work," "I'm supposed to pick someone up at this time," and "I have to pee" are not reasons to risk the lives of the other people on the road. There is absolutely no excuse to endanger others because you're late; there is even less of an excuse when you simply don't want to wait for the thirty second light.

A cab is cheaper than a DUI and less time consuming than prison. Your text can wait. The lights really aren't that long.  Drive responsible.

"Your lack of planning is not my emergency"- Unknown 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Topics Galore

This is going to be a bit scattered...

So my medications were changed a couple of weeks ago. I both love and hate the results. For the first time in my life, I am not completely overwhelmed with one emotion or another. Sure, it sounds great in theory, but my whole life I've had these super strong emotions and now there's nothing. I kind of feel lost.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I think I've pinpointed why I have such a hard time at new jobs. I have an irrational fear of learning. Awesome, huh? Well, my case worker suggested I check out this place called Alliance House. It's a place for people with chronic mental illness to learn job skills and eventually join the workforce. They have transitional employment ("TE") opportunities that I'm super excited about! TE is where you have the job, but if you can't make it in for some reason or another, it's covered!

Alliance House is called a "clubhouse" because the members (not clients/patients) are on the same level as the staff. They are intentionally understaffed so that the members get to work with every aspect of keeping the clubhouse running. It's really cool! Best part: Alliance House is just one of thousands of clubhouses all over the world! I had never heard of this place, but they've been there for decades. If you think a place like Alliance House could help you, Google "mental health clubhouse" to find out if you have one in your area!

Bad segue number 2...

In the last week, I've had a few people tell me that they read my blog, but I never see them comment or "like." I used to think that the "likes" meant that that's how many people were reading this. I was so very wrong. Just knowing that I have so much support is incredible! I'm not gonna turn down likes, RTs, or shares any time soon, though... *hint hint*

I also had someone tell me that they don't comment because I'm such a grammar freak. Fun fact: I'm not going to judge you on good intentions. Comment! Maybe we can start a global discussion!

Thank each and every one of you who read and support me and my journey! You are more appreciated than you may think!

"Appreciated"~ Rixton



 

Monday, February 1, 2016

Positively Me

Well that was eye opening...

I managed to make it through my very first group therapy thing last Wednesday. I was pretty proud of myself. Granted, I didn't look at anyone and kept all my answers short, but I stayed the whole time and didn't die!

At this group, we played a version of Jenga that was associated with self-esteem. Each color block was associated with a color coded card. Pick a green block to move, read the green question on the card. It was fun. We got to know each other as well as learn skills from one another.

One of these questions lead to an response that really made me think. The case worker who runs the group pointed out that, we wouldn't dare treat our friends the way we treat ourselves. Why would we tell our friends that their mistakes are alright, yet be so critical of our own? Would you constantly remind your friend of that stupid thing they said five years ago? No. Why, then, remind yourself?

Since then, I've been trying to up my self-talk. I'm trying to tell myself more positive things. Now, I am by no means a master of this yet, but when I'm doing my physical therapy exercises or working out on my bike, I simply tell myself "I'm doing good." Baby steps.

I'm going to start working on not beating myself up when something stupid I did years ago pops into my head.

Whether or not you identify as mentally ill or not, everyone could use more positive self-talk. Start slow. Did you do the dishes? I'm doing great! Get a 'D' on your math test? I'll do better next time!

Your friends and family believe in you. It's time you started believing in you, too.

"Unconditionally"~ Katy Perry