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Sunday, May 22, 2016

Work In Progress

One week...

I've got one week left of work for this school year and I've got mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I'm going to miss some of those little bugs; on the other hand, my stress levels will significantly lower.

I want to work. I really do. I just can't handle it right now. Maybe if I had a two or three day a week job things would be different. Just four hours per day. Something to keep my mind busy, you know? As much as I love being with these kids, it's mind numbing. Sure I've got my music on, but I'm not actually doing anything.

I'm afraid to find something for the summer because I don't exactly have the best track record of actually going  to work, but again, maybe if it were two or three days per week, I could probably do that.

Another problem with finding something else is that, for one, it'll have to be retail. That means dealing with people. The second issue is that, I'm 29 years old. At my age, most people want forty hours a week, so managers automatically schedule that. I want a maximum of twelve hours. Sure, I have the right to tell them I'm mentally ill, but as we've all experienced, that freaks people out and they tend to not want to hire you.

So you see my dilemma...

Anyhow, if you in the Salt Lake Valley know of anything, Please let me know. All others are welcome to give me any advice on getting just a few hours without freaking anyone out.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Help. Please.

I'm my own worst enemy...

I'll be the last one to admit when I need real help. I'll say things like "I'm not feeling too great right now," but what I really mean is "I need more help than I'm getting."

My new therapist put me out nearly three weeks and I'm feeling rather neglected at the moment. See? No real admittance. I'm supposed to see her every week, but for some unknown reason, I was put out way farther.

I've been depressed for about three or four weeks now and I think I'm getting to the point of needing to go inpatient. I hate those places, but I need more care than I'm currently getting at my clinic. So here I am... I'm asking for help. I can't do this on my own anymore.

I'm sitting here crying because I don't want to go in, but I also know that it'll do some good. Ok, I'm crying because I'm in pain, but the dramatic effect was too easy to pass up.

I've got some people I can talk to; friends, twitter contacts, and whatnot. The thing is, talking isn't helping anymore. All day, every day, my thoughts are filled with these horrible images of how I could do it and thoughts of "I just want this to end." The thought of dying has become so natural that it's actually scaring me. My thoughts never scare me.

Winston Churchill suffered with depression and described it as a black dog he kept in the corner. I can't keep mine in the corner because it's all around me. It's like a black cloud swirling around me that I can't get out of and it's making it hard to breathe.

I need help.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Drum Beats

Ow.

For all you ladies (and men who live with us), you know that periods bring with them massive mood swings. It's no different, and actually may be a bit worse, for those with mental illnesses. I don't know about you, but a couple of days before, my mood cycles are every five minutes. Not so this time.

I've been saying how I don't think meds are doing anything for me, but since my med manager added an antidepressant, I'm feeling much better. I'm sitting here right now in agonizing pain, but my moods are steady as the beating drum (yes, that's a Pocahontas reference).

I'm still having severe anxiety problems, especially when it comes to working, but when it comes to the Bipolar, I'm feeling pretty okay! I didn't really notice this until today, but thinking back on my week, things have been pretty steady. I'm still on the depressed side of the scale, but I'm up enough to get myself out of bed, showered, and dressed. Now if I can just get my sorry butt to work every day...

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I met with my therapist Thursday, and she pointed out something that I hadn't really thought about. She said that I've taught my body how to not tolerate happiness. I told her that every time I get truly happy (like hanging out with friends or just a really good day), I crash and go on a self-loathing bit. I put this out on Twitter, and got one response that made sense. He said that "we cling to the pain we know." It's like the pain is my constant companion and I freak out if it's not there. My therapist is going to try to teach me how to be happy without the crash.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Work

Well that explains that...

Whenever I go to my therapist or med manager, I have to fill out a checklist. You know the type: "I feel sad" and you have to mark anywhere between "never" and "always." Believe it or not, your clinic actually keeps track of those. They're not just to annoy you.

Anyhow, my therapist was showing me my track. This clinic's goal is to get the line down, not up. When I first started there, my line was really high. A few months in, it lowered significantly. A few months ago, I spiked back up. Reason? That's when I started working again.

I like my job. I really do. I'm just not convinced I'm in a space to be working at the moment. I'm going to stick it out until the end of the school year, but I'm not going to look for anything more substantial right now. 

My new therapist keeps telling me that she can work with me and get me to a good space. I now leave my delicate psyche in her capable hands.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Pot Of Gold

Here we go again…

As I said a few posts ago, I had to say goodbye to one of only two therapists I've had that have done any good. Well last week I started with a new one.

Most of us know how difficult it is to start with a new therapist. I mean, you've learnt to trust the last one, and now you've gotta tell this new person all the deepest, darkest parts of yourself. It's not exactly easy.

Building a therapy relationship with trust can take months. For me it usually takes about four or five months of consistent, weekly visits to even begin to trust. Longer if the first impression is less than stellar. Thankfully, however, my new therapist seems very confident and helpful. So maybe it'll only take four months! Then again, I haven't had the best of luck with the therapists at this clinic... Keep your fingers crossed for me.

People often ask me how I know if a therapist will work for me. Truth is, I have no words for it. I just know. I've been doing this for long enough that I just know when I've got a good one.

I wrote that while waiting for my appointment. Now that I've had two appointments with her, I can honestly say  that I like her! She's not a talk-therapist, she's an action one. 

Now, I'll be the first one to admit that I'll stay with a therapist just because I don't want any hurt feelings, but I also know that I need one who will work for me.. If you've got a therapist that doesn't work for you, find a new one before they do any real damage. Not to say that they're a bad therapist, just that they're not the right fit for you. In the mean time, if anyone in the Salt Lake valley needs a recommendation, I've found a great one!

May our tomorrows always be better than our todays.