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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Public Thanks

I feel like I'm accepting an award with this speech.

I'd like to take a minute and publicly thank all my friends who, at one point or another, stood up to that foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach, Brooke.

In elementary school, I had my little band of friends, and I specifically remember  the time that Kierstin gave Brooke a piece of her mind. It was glorious. I don't remember exactly what she said, but the cockroach backed down pretty quick.

In my first year of junior high, I had a class with the cockroach and two of her newfound followers. They were on my case as usual, when a voice behind me says, "Grow up!" I didn't know her name, nor her mine, but Berkeley would grow to be one of my best and longest friends.

In my second year of junior high, I moved schools to get away from this thing, but alas, it followed me there in the second semester. One time, she had me cornered up against some lockers and was really laying in to me. Then, like the bright light in the darkest night, Michelle comes to my rescue. She even noted how the countenance of the cockroach differed between talking to me and talking to others. 

I know there have been others, but this would be the world's longest post. You know who you are and know that I've never forgotten what you've done for me. 

Thank you all.

Coping

I've got mad skills.

I've been overly stressed with work and my upcoming adventures going back to school, and I've been trying to cope with all of it in a nondestructive way. I'm not much of an eater, so snacking was out. I do exercise most mornings, but it's pretty low key. So I sat back and less than proactively searched for a coping mechanism. 

When I realised that the series of movies I was watching helped curb my stress and anxiety, I couldn't help but giggle. I mean, come on! Who in their right mind thinks, "I'm stressed and anxious. I'm going to make it better by watching Harry Potter." Harry. Freaking. Potter. It's dark, intense, and would, in any normal circumstance, be the cause of some anxiety. 

Don't ask me why it helps because I'm still puzzled myself, but it does. I resigned myself to this fact and embraced the Harry Potter culture. I got on to pottermore.com and got sorted. I'm in Slytherin. I got a Slytherin hoodie and keychain and I'm just waiting to get my scarf and hat. Nerd alert! 

Basically, my point is that you may have an unconventional coping mechanism that doesn't fit with anything your therapist suggests. Although it's always best to listen to your therapist and try things they suggest. I got a worry stone out of my previous one and I use it constantly!

Even just wearing my Slytherin hoodie keeps me calm. Fall is going to be great this year!

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Bed Time

As I lay me down to sleep…

We've all seen the memes that point out that our brains go into hyperdrive as soon as we go to bed, right? We all know this to be true, and tonight is no exception for me. I've got so many things running through my head right now and I'm supposed to get up early to go hiking with my dad in the morning. 

So what's keeping me up? My nasty aunt, for one. I mean, this woman is bossy,  cranky, and the most ignorant person you'll ever meet. She's one of those "mental illnesses aren't real. They're just in your head" kind of people. I know hatred is a waste of energy, but I straight up loathe this woman. I always have. I had to see her this week, so that's why she's on my mind.

Then, my sister posted this meme about watching the backs of people who have yours, and that we all need to remember this. I was less than kind when I commented that maybe she could remember that next time I call her. She never answers my calls. Never. She rarely answers my texts. She is, however, glued to her phone when her little friends are having issues. Apparently my issues don't matter.

Add those annoyances to the already stressful week I've had and you get a late night blog post. I had to take a math and English placement test for school, which was less than fun. Passed English with flying colours. Math, not so much. Work started back up yesterday. Family party Tuesday. We're Dutch. We're loud. Stressful week.

Here's hoping the hike will release some of this stress.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Utah

And this, ladies and gents, is why I don't participate in church activities.

Utah Mormons are the absolute worst sort of people. They're judgemental, they have a "holier than thou" attitude, and if you don't fit into one of their little cliques, you're out on your butt. Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.

In our church, we have activities every Monday evening. I never go to these because I know exactly how it'll turn out. I'll wind up talking to someone for a whole two minutes before someone shinier than I am comes along and takes that person's attention. I got weaselled into going last night and guess what happened. Yup. Two whole minutes then poof! I no longer exist. I don't have any friends in the church and I fit in to exactly zero cliques. I'm never more suicidal than when I'm at church or church functions.

I hate Utah, I loathe Utah Mormons, and I understand why so many people leave the church. 

I had the opportunity to visit a church in San Diego a few years back with some friends and the differences were astounding! They said "hello" to us, invited us in, and even talked to us!

Now, I'm not saying this is all Utah Mormons. Just 99.9% of them. I've got one person in my church who will talk to me, but she's obligated to be more social, so she can't always be with me.


Short post, but everything else I could say would just be reiterating what I've just said, so...

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Acceptance

"You can't say things like that." "Stop doing that." "You're destructive."

You name it, I've heard it. All my life people have made it very clear that who I am is not okay. The best part? I agree with them almost every time they call me something. It's a poorly crafted defence mechanism. Makes it so they don't see how badly it hurt.

From arguments on Facebook to sideways looks out in public, my friends make it clear that I'm not "how I should be." Now, I do have a couple friends who accept every part of me, but they don't live in state.

I've always been very accepting of others and never judged behaviour that the rest of the world would find abnormal, so I simply can't understand why I'm judged for being me. I try to conform, but my mouth always lands me in trouble. Half the time I don't know what's coming out until I've said it. It's not my fault. My brain simply works differently than other's. Sometimes I could swear I'm on the Autism spectrum.

I don't take criticism well. I never have. I blame Brioke and her band if bi----s. Well, and my sister. All these people do is criticise me and attack me as a person. I've never been okay enough for them and I've come to accept that my sister will never accept me. I just wish my friends and family, of all people, would accept me as a whole like I accept them.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Anxious Mind

Right...

Ever feel like everyone else does pretty much everything better than you? Like your best doesn't come close to other people's even half-try? That's where I'm at right now.

I went to church yesterday even though I didn't want to because someone was expecting me to be there. I wasn't planning on going because I hadn't been feeing well all morning, but I got dressed and headed out. From the second I closed my back door, I started having a bit of a panic attack. I thought this would go away when I got there and got settled, but it was just the opposite. My heart kept pounding, my palms were all sweaty, and I couldn't catch my breath. I wound up staying a grand total of thirty minutes. 

There's a point to that story. I'll get to that now... 

I look at other people and see them doing better at life. They get up, shower, get dressed, and do whatever they do. I, on the other hand, would rather cower in my bed all day than face even one person. My Bipolar symptoms have been significantly reduced due to my meds and therapy working together. My anxiety, however, has been on the rise. 

In my church, we do activities every Monday evening. This week is games. I hate playing games because I never know what I'm doing and I don't want to make an idiot of myself. Just the thought of going to this thing has me in a panic. 

I don't know why my anxiety has decided to cripple me as of late, but I sincerely wish it would die.