I'm Cranky

Blah.

I don't know what it is lately, but every time the weather changes, my moods go all wonky. Today is dark. It's cloudy and raining on and off. I most definitely didn't want to come to school today, but I sucked it up, got ready, and now I'm here. I've got some down time between classes so I can share with my lovelies all my drama.

Something I failed to mention last post was that, since I've been taking the steroid, which is a downer, I've been taking a little extra boost of Prozac. It's been helping quite a bit, which is weird for me. Prozac hasn't done anything for me in the past, but maybe it's bouncing off my other antidepressant and actually doing something. Today, however, it's like it's not even there. I'm tired and cranky. It's a very good thing that the class loud-mouth wasn't there today, because I don't think I could have kept my mouth shut. As it was, I was arguing one key point of my religion that I don't exactly agree with. I'm sure I came off like a bad member of my church, but honestly, at this point, I frankly don't care. I follow it because I have to, not because I believe in it.

Anyhow... As you can tell, I'm not exactly in the mood to be talking to people at the moment. Typing is my way of getting it out without screaming. It's cathartic, to say the least. I've decided that, even though y'all have gotten me to record numbers this month (over 26,000 so far!), this blog is for me. Since starting this blog, I've come to understand myself in ways that I never had before. I understand why I do the things I do, and I have much better control over my illness. I'd seriously recommend blogging to all you writers out there. It helps. I promise.

Welp... one more class and then I get to go home. I'm going to take a nap induced purely by Nyquil because, yes, I'm still sick. Twelve days and counting. After that, I've got a test to do online. I'm actually pretty confident on this one because in class today, my teacher gave us all the answers. Woot! But then I've got to study for another written test in class on Wednesday. Not excited.

I should stop now because this has nothing to do with mental health anymore...

Manic Rise, Depressive Cries

"Bipolar"

Have I ever mentioned exactly how much I hate that word? That label? It's not natural, and it's sure not descriptive. Well, it is... when the weather changes or if you change your mind. Someone deemed this "politically correct" and suddenly it's not as scary or something? Do you know what the disorder used to be called? "Manic-Depressive." Now, I don't know about you, but I have exactly zero tolerance for political correctness. In fact, I make fun of those who insist on using politically correct terms in common language. So from now on, I have Manic-Depressive Disorder.

Sure it's not as neat and tidy, but exactly what part if the illness is? Best part: It can't be used as a verb by uneducated and just plain ignorant butt holes. "You changed your mind? You're bipolar." Not going to happen with Manic-Depressive. Sure, if mom or dad is angry one minute and happy the next, the ignorant butt holes of the world will still use it, but at least it's a known disorder instead of a legitimate word to describe the weather, the world, or a magnet.

I seriously wish I'd named this blog "Manic Rise, Depressive Cries." But alas, I'm stuck with it the way it is.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

On a different note, I'm still sick. I've been on the steroid for six days now (I think), and the worst it's done has made me depressed. I'm not biting at every little annoyance like I thought I would. Though the loudmouth in class got me to say "shut up" at least fifteen times.

Last night was the absolute worst. I was both physically and emotionally drained. I couldn't see even a flicker of light at the end of this tunnel, but today is much better. Why? Because I took my new best friend, Mr. Decongestant. Remember kids, steroids are downers, and decongestants are uppers. Taken together, you'll be pretty even. Unless I'm just weird and super sensitive to medications...

Being Sick

Well this is fun...

I've been sick for six days now. I thought it was just an allergy attack, but apparently it's a virus. Yay... Best part: it got to my asthma and now I'm coughing up a lung. It started with two days of sore throat, two days of my sinuses congested, then moved on to hacking up a lung every time I coughed.

Since I thought it was just allergies, I took decongestants to keep it from going into a sinus infection. A lot of decongestants. And for those who may not know (like me...), decongestants are very powerful uppers. I was sky high! My heart rate was between 95-100, and I couldn't sleep because I was so manic.

When I finally broke down and saw the doctor, he put me on prednisone. That's a steroid. Do you know what steroids do to normal people? It makes them moody. Can you imagine what it's going to do to me?! I have school! I can't be flying off the handle at every little annoyance! I took my first dose last night, so I guess I'll just wait and see how it affects me.

Before I knew it was a virus, I was around a lot of people. I saw two friends and went to the opera. Yes, the opera. Carmen. It was really good! So now I'm just waiting to see if either of those friends get sick and I pray they don't! I'm not entirely sure exactly how contagious I was with just the sore throat... But the people at the opera were much worse off with me coughing all through the thing.

Prayers and good vibes always welcome! Here's to a quick recovery.

I Failed

Math. Enough said...

So I'm pretty sure I royally failed my math test this week. I couldn't even finish some of the problems because I simply didn't know what I was doing. Best part: I had my notes sitting right next to me. I had gone over the review with a friend of mine who is basically a math teacher the night before and I still had exactly zero ideas of how to do it.

I almost started to cry in class because I was so frustrated. I finished pretty quickly since I couldn't do some of the problems, so I had an entire hour before my next class. That hour was quite possibly the longest hour in history. My failure was on my mind and I was slipping into a deep depression. Paying attention in my next class was just not an option. All I could think about was my epic failure.

Back story: When I was in fourth grade, there were three levels of math class. I was in the highest. I aced both my homework and tests. I missed one problem on one assignment and my crap-tastic teacher dropped me to the lowest class. Not the middle... the  lowest.

This was obviously a huge blow to me and I learned a lesson that day that has stuck with me. I learnt that, if I miss one problem, I have failed. I also learnt that doing homework got me nowhere. After that, I quit doing my work, and in high school, I stopped going to class. I mean, why should I? I was just going to fail anyhow, right?

The actions of this one teacher screwed me up for life. I obviously didn't graduate high school on time, and now I get such an anxiety attack when I have to do math that I hardly understand it. I'm beyond tempted to find her and tell her exactly what she did to me. I hated that teacher anyways, so it would feel good.

Anyhow, I've got an absolutely phenomenal teacher now. He takes extra time if someone doesn't understand something, he's offered to help me one-on-one if I need it, and he's freaking adorable! He's the perfect grandpa.

Here's hoping I pass this class...

Compromise

I can do this.

So I'm ridiculously early for class today. We're talking forty-five minutes. I walk into my classroom and my teacher is sitting at his desk. He asks how I'm doing and all the other niceties, then came the ever dreaded presentation...

I was terrified of what he'd say, so I braced myself, but what he said was actually doable. He said that I could just be up front doing the slides, but to make up for me not talking, I'm to write a one to two page summary of what our presentation was about. That, I can do. I mean, come on. I'm a writer. It's what I do.

So here I am, talking to you lovelies in an empty classroom. I've got math homework that I need to do, but I have exactly zero idea how to do it. Fractions are not my friend. Especially when I'm trying to find x. If anyone is fabulous with algebra and has Skype, I'd love to connect. I feel like I can't keep bugging my friends who have been helping me all semester.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I've been looking at apartments near my parent's home for when I finally get disability, and I think I've found the perfect place. It won't take up all my income and it's a really nice apartment! I don't want to move too far from my family because I still need that support system, but I mean, come on... I'm almost thirty years old. It's time to move out of my childhood bedroom.

I've always been ridiculously independent. When I was super tiny, my mom tells me this story of when we were hiking. I fell and my mom asked if I wanted her to carry me. My response? "No! My do it!" So to be at this age and still relying on my parents for everything is not cool in my book. It's not fair to them, either. I'm just hoping disability comes through quickly. I've been waiting for over a year already.

I Feel Like Crap

Alrighty then...

So I had a dream last night that there were people staying in my house in some sort of emergency situation. One of these people was Brooke. I tried to punch, kick, grab, and claw her, but nothing I did would hurt her. I woke up feeling completely lost and defeated.

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

Weather sucks. Last night, after it got dark (which also bugs me), it decided to rain. When the barometric pressure drops like that, my depression spirals and it reacts in my body. It's like a total body ache that pain meds won't fix. Crying ensued, and I was up late.

We've all heard of Season Affective Disorder (SAD). I know I suffer from it as the short days and long nights make me depressed. So we can add that to my diagnoses.

I left school early today, halfway through my math class simply because I am so depressed that I can't pay attention. I have exactly zero idea what we were even doing in class. In business class, my team had to read a section and report on it. I read parts and listened to my teammates read parts, but don't ask me what we read because I simply could not pay attention.

OH! I saw my med manager last week and she added yet another diagnosis... Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Basically, in most women with the disorder, their PMS gets bad and makes them depressed. I, however, don't always get depressed. I've been manic and mixed, as well. When my med manager heard this, she was at a loss. She threatened to write a paper about me since every journal ever written about PDD has mentioned only depression. She gave me a small upper for when I get depressed, and a small downer for when I get manic. She had no idea what to do for the mixed.

Anyway, I should probably get to my homework. I suppose that's the bonus for everything being online. I can get my homework even when I'm not in class.