About Me

My photo
I have found the world's best mac & cheese!

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Easy Target

I give.

I've been bullied my whole life in every situation. We all know about Brooke in school and at church. I got one day's rest from that on Saturdays. What I never got a rest from was my sister. To this day she takes pride in tearing me down to make herself feel superior. 

Then came the time for me to work...

My first job, I worked with a "friend" of mine who made sure that I knew I wasn't as good at the job as she was. 

Skip ahead a few years to when I was working a book store. I was constantly berated because I wasn't reading as fast or as much as everyone else. Then there were two of the managers... They wouldn't let me take bathroom breaks, gave me extra work with unreasonable deadlines, and openly made fun of my weight. One night, I was about to get off shift when one of them said, "Rie can do it." This was a job that would have taken over an hour and I was off in ten minutes, so I said in the nastiest tone I'm capable of, "Nope. Rie is off in ten minutes."

Then I got a job at a music/movie store. Not long after I started, one guy quit and I was constantly reminded that he quit because he didn't like me. Even the store manager told me this. Now, we were allowed to pick the music played in the store as long as it didn't curse. I made a near fatal error by stating that I hate Frank Sinatra. So I got ripped apart for my taste in music. Then came the fun part... I got made fun of for being a Christian. Make fun of muslims and all hell breaks loose, but Christians are fair game? 

I suppose I'm too quiet and a bit naive. I find bullies everywhere I go. I'm a perma-victim. Yay me. 

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Bad Guy

I don't get it...

I'm often made out to be the bad guy in a situation. Dad pushes me to where I have a breakdown? I'm the bad guy. I tell my friends, repeatedly mind you, to give me back the thing they stole from me? I'm the bad guy. I put my foot down to maintain my safety and sanity? You got it... I'm the bad guy.

I'm easy to blame. I get all flustered when I'm angry, so defending myself doesn't go over well. I'm small and don't talk a lot. And let's not forget the fact that I'm "only" mentally ill.

People are far too quick to judge me on my behaviour like everything I do is calculated and purposeful. I don't get out of hand often anymore, but it still happens. Now hear me when I say this: I have exactly zero control over my emotions and only about fifty percent control over my behaviour, so to say I'm at fault for everything I do is preposterous. 

I'll own up to bad behaviour when I'm in control over myself, but don't you dare say that the things my mental illness controls is me. I HAVE a mental illness; I am not that illness. Understand that when you think I'm being rude, unusual, or inappropriate, that's the illness... not me. I've always been described as kindhearted, funloving, and giving. 

There is the illness, and there is me. Learn the difference.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Hey Sunshine

Clouds and snow and clouds.

For the last while, it's been cloudy most days. Now, I don't know about y'all, but for me, cloudy days increase my depression. I've had some pretty bad days in recent weeks. But when the sun comes out, it's like instant relief! Well... most of the time.

A couple of weeks ago, I had possibly the hardest day I've had lately, but by all accounts, I should have had one of the best. The sun was shining and I wasn't couped up in the house because I was running errands with my mom. I didn't understand it. I still don't. 

Yesterday I was driving home from having lunch with my parents and I was in heaven. The sun was out and it warmed up my car. That warmth surrounded me and it was like I had no worries in the world. 

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to summer. I'd say spring, but the way this winter has gone, we'll probably have snow into June here. I hope my pessimism is unfounded, however. I need blue skies and no more snow!