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Monday, April 3, 2017

Day By Day

Why not?

Not a day goes by where I don't wish I were dead. Doesn't matter if I'm depressed or having the best day of my life. Either way, I wish I could just die.

After seeing the fallout of a friend's suicide, I'm not a fan of taking matters into my own hands. I just wish that, maybe the train signal isn't working one day when I pass by, or what if that guy on his phone doesn't see the red light. Things like that cross my mind all day long. 

I tend to cry when I talk about this. Not because I'm scared to die, but because I can't get the one thing I really want. I'm a Christian, so my knowledge of an afterlife with no ailments is quite appealing. No more depression. No more anxiety. No more feeling like I have zero control over myself. 

Some people tell me that my pain is a reminder that I'm alive. They don't get that, to me, this is a bad thing. I don't know about you, but I hate pain. Physical, emotional, it all sucks! 

I guess my life is in God's hands. 

2 comments:

  1. I so know this feeling. Not every day, but often and for weeks at a time. Often I envy the dead. I also find myself dissapointed to wake up in the morning. Sorry that you feel the same way...

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  2. I don't think anyone truly likes pain. However, I do think that sometimes it is better than some things. For instance... I would rather be in pain than falling asleep all the time and missing out in daily activities like interacting with my kids or talking to a friend. I've been feeling a bit depressed lately because I feel out of control. I realized recently that my stupid out of control migraines occur ALWAYS when I am under florescent light bulbs (when I go shopping, to the doctor). When this happens I literally feel like I am going to pass out and my head is going to explode. I was thinking to myself recently, what is the point of going to school and getting a degree? I am so close to getting it... however how am I going to get a job where I can guarantee that I won't be under florescent lights all the time. I noticed they are everywhere! It's not like I can put on my resume "can't work under florescent lights"... I'm sure that would go over well...

    Point is... I understand feeling depressed. I cannot say I want to be dead though at this point in time but I have been in that place in the past. It is not fun, it is emotional. It is OKAY to cry and get angry. I love you Charmaine. I am always here for you to talk to if you want and I know you are always there for me :) even if we are far apart.

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